Wednesday, July 9, 2014

The aura that glows. Forgotten feelings. Never ending hope.

Its amazing isn't it. We look back on all our faults and mistakes and sometimes wish we could have done better. That is the nature of the beast. Of life.

However, sometimes I wish I was not so sentimental and could just turn off my feelings. Year after year I try to occupy myself. To fill a spot that has been empty. Despite my close friends and all the likes. Affection drives us to a different corner of our mind.

Much has not changed but many things have grown and evolved. I grow weary of my emotions. Tired and relentless of hope, ideals and forgiveness. Through the ticking of time there are things we cannot change. Feelings that do not disappear no matter how much we move on. Stuck until we fill that missing gap.

Sometimes I wish I can turn these feelings off. Like you have, like you did. Like many others.
I am and forever will be a sentimental and emotionally willed person. Through and through even when it nibbles away at me. Sometimes I wish I didn't worry or overthink things.

Running around in circles. Chasing the same problems over and over again. Never giving up hope. Always willing to try. To find people that make us smile and be cheerful out of everyday busy lives. Those moments that remind us or I of the things we do and why we do them.

I am always worried of losing someone. I grow and find myself being attached to someone and always in the back of my mind I am worried of them being swooped away by someone else. More so now than ever with a busy schedule. I worry of being overly affectionate. I worry that I'm not doing enough. I worry of losing that sparkle that keeps two people together and they walk away. It happened once and many times since then. I simply do not have the same kind of energy as I once did. Forever lost in a well of broken trust and broken hope.

Ever since our falling out all those years ago I grew bitter and distrusting. Without hope in others or myself of emotional investment. I distanced myself from people and sometimes close friends as well. It took a long time to reclaim apart of that energy. Some forever lost with you. A close friend and someone whom I adored strongly with affection.

People ask me why I don't just forget about you and I tell them that is very hard to do so. It is our loss of friendship that further propelled me to make sure my friends are happy. That those I care about are happy. To those that I grow a liking to and grow affectionate of are happy. We all need that someone who brings a glow and a smile to our every tasks. As a significant other, a relationship or a friendship. I have been burned, scorned and left for a couple times. Even though they are small and all in passing; I try hard to make things right. Even if I am only a stepping stone.

I am full of energy. If I put it all in a bucket; all I want to do is pour it over someone and tell them how much I like them. Maybe for once I'll stop over thinking and worrying. Maybe one day I'll have that faith come back.

I wish I could so easily forget the past like you do. Maybe then I wouldn't try to hold onto fragments of old memories and happiness. Who am I kidding though right? You found someone else to keep you company. Moving from old to new. I plundered and made mistakes and said stupid things. Indirectly pushing you away. I constantly blamed myself for it. There was always apart of me that wanted to pour my affection for you but I couldn't. Not with the way things were. Before I knew it; that chance disappeared and things were never the same since then.My biggest and worst ever fear that could happen between I and someone I truly and deeply cared for happened. That fear of which is a person turning around and walking the other direction without saying a word. Gone in a puff of smoke. Nothing but tattered cloth remaining.

One day, many years later I decided to stop trying. To admit to myself that there was no possibility of our friendship ever coming back together. That and my useless attempts probably just piss you off to no ends. Like everything I did and said after a certain point. All it was ever met with was anger and annoyance.
I stopped trying to care all together. I no longer said happy birthday to you. I stopped sending you merry christmas and happy new year text messages.

I wish I could just switch the feelings off and forget the reasons why I cherished our time and friendship together so much. All the pain and suffering. All the happy and silly times. Always knowing the affection was not mutual. Only our group of friends that knew about us. Knew how much it affected me. No one asked why we stopped hanging out. No one asked how you and I were doing.

I bet all you remember is of being mad at me. About all the times I annoyed you. I sometimes wonder if you remember any of the happy and funny moments. The times I tried to cheer you up when you were down or upset. All those silly and embarrassing moments. I felt happy and carefree around you.

I worry of pushing people away because I worry of being seen as needy or attention hogging.
I have been yelled by you so many times for little things that even to this day I still have a hard time shaking off those feelings. Deep down I worry about it happening. I worry about making someone I care about upset . I worry about them just turning around and disappearing. I sometimes shut myself away so I don't feel jealousy. To let myself collect my thoughts.

I finished watching the second season of Spice and Wolf II...after a long time of putting that show away. It reminded me of you too much that I couldn't keep watching it. I sometimes wonder what it'd be like if I bumped into you on the streets, at a store or at an event. I keep thinking you'd try to find was to push my buttons.

It is that kind of evening. As has this whole week. Stuck thinking about the past when my feelings in the current collide with insecurities. I worry about driving others away because I am frequently busy and not always being there.

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