Tuesday, July 14, 2015

Smiling in the Sunshine.

Sometimes I wish I could see you smile again.
After all these years; the distance that has grown between us. A friendship that no longer exists.
I ponder and wonder if my thoughts and words still reach you. Then I question whether it even matters or if you would even care.

After so many years; I can't escape feelings that made me feel relief and happiness.
I have never really been one to open much to others. Yet with you I was able to. I was able to joke about things and say silly things without being thrown out the window for it.

Or so I thought. Five years down the road and here I am. Stuck thinking about something that probably shouldn't matter to me. Yet it does. It has driven me to be caring for those that are around me more than ever. A simple smile can easily change a persons day. Even if it is for a few minutes.

Lost hopes, memories and feelings.
Even with the friendships, the care of others and the happiness other brings me. I sometimes feel an emptiness on the inside. Unable to find someone else and unable to reconnect with someone that I cared for so much; I felt a part of me fade away after we broke off communications.

There are so many tings I wish I could have said or didn't say. I wish I could have reached out to you but I didn't know how. I didn't want to bother you with the drowning of my own feelings for you.
My affection that grew from our friendship.

Your smile always makes me smile. Even just thinking about it I can't help but smile. It never escapes me how much you meant to me. Even if those feelings were never reciprocal.

Whether it is becuase I wish you were still in my life or I wish that I could find someone else to attain said happiness. I do not know.
I keep going in circles.

Things that don't work out.
People who don't understand.
I try.
I try to be there for people>
I try to be there for everyone.
I can only do so much.
I am only one person.
I only have so much energy.

I don't think about you as much as I did in the past.
I guess too busy and exhausted to let my mind wonder.

Sometimes...I listen to music....and I think about your arms wrapped around me.
The world drifts away to you resting your head on my shoulder.
Tapping your finger on my chest in rhythm to my heartbeat.

I just want to close my eyes and drift away in your embrace.
A hug that doens't go away.

I'm tired of being left at the curb.
Tired of being there for someone only to have them disappear on me.
Tired of running around in circles.

I just want to gaze into someones eyes and see that person look and smile back.