Dreams of the past

I dreamt.
I dreamt of our friendship.
A once upon a time kind of moment.

Emotionally burdened and defeated and yet; there you were to cheer me up.
Some emotions don't go away. Some are hard to replace with others.

Some people mean more to oneself then they believe.


I know it'll never be the same.
Until I find someone else. Someone I can open up to and trust.
When I one day stop shielding myself.

Trends.

I've noticed a lot of trends in this blog as it silently drifts through time after time.
I think about you a lot in Spring and Summer. Enough where I feel writing about it.

I think about how different we are...the things I wouldn't do with you or would do with you.
Some games that I would find myself enjoying playing with you.

I miss you. I really do. As a friend who I gave everything and trusted my secrets and emotions to.
I can't help but think over and over that I am stubborn and can't let it go.

Your smile and happiness brings an abundance of happiness to me.
I wish I could see you. To see your smile. To see your happiness.
Without suffer, without despair.

Sometimes....

I am happy and yet I feel the emptiness.
The joy of sharing an emotional connection.

The warmth and assurance of a significant other.
A smile so pleasing and warming that melts away all the pain and suffering.

Smiling in the Sunshine.

Sometimes I wish I could see you smile again.
After all these years; the distance that has grown between us. A friendship that no longer exists.
I ponder and wonder if my thoughts and words still reach you. Then I question whether it even matters or if you would even care.

After so many years; I can't escape feelings that made me feel relief and happiness.
I have never really been one to open much to others. Yet with you I was able to. I was able to joke about things and say silly things without being thrown out the window for it.

Or so I thought. Five years down the road and here I am. Stuck thinking about something that probably shouldn't matter to me. Yet it does. It has driven me to be caring for those that are around me more than ever. A simple smile can easily change a persons day. Even if it is for a few minutes.

Lost hopes, memories and feelings.
Even with the friendships, the care of others and the happiness other brings me. I sometimes feel an emptiness on the inside. Unable to find someone else and unable to reconnect with someone that I cared for so much; I felt a part of me fade away after we broke off communications.

There are so many tings I wish I could have said or didn't say. I wish I could have reached out to you but I didn't know how. I didn't want to bother you with the drowning of my own feelings for you.
My affection that grew from our friendship.

Your smile always makes me smile. Even just thinking about it I can't help but smile. It never escapes me how much you meant to me. Even if those feelings were never reciprocal.

Whether it is becuase I wish you were still in my life or I wish that I could find someone else to attain said happiness. I do not know.
I keep going in circles.

Things that don't work out.
People who don't understand.
I try.
I try to be there for people>
I try to be there for everyone.
I can only do so much.
I am only one person.
I only have so much energy.

I don't think about you as much as I did in the past.
I guess too busy and exhausted to let my mind wonder.

Sometimes...I listen to music....and I think about your arms wrapped around me.
The world drifts away to you resting your head on my shoulder.
Tapping your finger on my chest in rhythm to my heartbeat.

I just want to close my eyes and drift away in your embrace.
A hug that doens't go away.

I'm tired of being left at the curb.
Tired of being there for someone only to have them disappear on me.
Tired of running around in circles.

I just want to gaze into someones eyes and see that person look and smile back.

24.

Year after year I am astounded by the people I meet. Different people, different cultures and different personalities. We are all different people and we learn and grow from each others experiences and influence.

We are influenced by the people we surround ourselves with. We grow and experience life through our failures, successes and adventures.

Every corner is an opportunity in the waiting. Even if it seems like it is a failure.
I have met a great deal of people in the last several years from different communities of my passions. From electronics, computers, photography, paintball, and other activities and scholar.

Every day is a new day for something great to happen. Even if its small. I know that over the years I have helped and inspired friends in in my life. Whether it is in a small way or a big way; I like to think I've done a little to help. It truly gives me a warm smile and a jolt of happiness knowing that I positively influence people around me. A smile makes us stronger. Through the grime and darkness we remember a smile. Even in the darkest of times.

Enjoy life and take the adventures and the road unknown. Through success or failures we find a way. One way or the other to the other end of the bridge.Across the currents of a unsavory river.

We are who we are from past to present. Through our experiences, our network of friends and our passions. Without the passion or drive we lose sight of what we are wanting to do. We lose sight of the things that drive us to do what we do.

Never let others put you down. Sometimes you may find yourself in the dark cold rain. However, if you keep looking down; you may walk past someone with the light that wants to help you out. Keep your head up and don't lose hope.

Thank you to all the amazing people in the course of life. The good, the bad, the old, the present and the new. Without a journey everything is for naught. You have all been fantastic people one way or the other. Everyone is different.

As the people of Lego Land would say. "Everything is awesome!~~~"

It is important to take time for yourself and away from everything. Do not forget who you are. Do not let that feeling fade away. There will always be people who try to down you. Indirectly or because of incompatibility. Be true to yourself. Show yourself to others. You cannot change without being seen. Be happy and proud of yourself. Every little step is one step forward. Let negativity push you to strive better for more positive aspects in your life.

Thank you to each and every one of you.

The aura that glows. Forgotten feelings. Never ending hope.

Its amazing isn't it. We look back on all our faults and mistakes and sometimes wish we could have done better. That is the nature of the beast. Of life.

However, sometimes I wish I was not so sentimental and could just turn off my feelings. Year after year I try to occupy myself. To fill a spot that has been empty. Despite my close friends and all the likes. Affection drives us to a different corner of our mind.

Much has not changed but many things have grown and evolved. I grow weary of my emotions. Tired and relentless of hope, ideals and forgiveness. Through the ticking of time there are things we cannot change. Feelings that do not disappear no matter how much we move on. Stuck until we fill that missing gap.

Sometimes I wish I can turn these feelings off. Like you have, like you did. Like many others.
I am and forever will be a sentimental and emotionally willed person. Through and through even when it nibbles away at me. Sometimes I wish I didn't worry or overthink things.

Running around in circles. Chasing the same problems over and over again. Never giving up hope. Always willing to try. To find people that make us smile and be cheerful out of everyday busy lives. Those moments that remind us or I of the things we do and why we do them.

I am always worried of losing someone. I grow and find myself being attached to someone and always in the back of my mind I am worried of them being swooped away by someone else. More so now than ever with a busy schedule. I worry of being overly affectionate. I worry that I'm not doing enough. I worry of losing that sparkle that keeps two people together and they walk away. It happened once and many times since then. I simply do not have the same kind of energy as I once did. Forever lost in a well of broken trust and broken hope.

Ever since our falling out all those years ago I grew bitter and distrusting. Without hope in others or myself of emotional investment. I distanced myself from people and sometimes close friends as well. It took a long time to reclaim apart of that energy. Some forever lost with you. A close friend and someone whom I adored strongly with affection.

People ask me why I don't just forget about you and I tell them that is very hard to do so. It is our loss of friendship that further propelled me to make sure my friends are happy. That those I care about are happy. To those that I grow a liking to and grow affectionate of are happy. We all need that someone who brings a glow and a smile to our every tasks. As a significant other, a relationship or a friendship. I have been burned, scorned and left for a couple times. Even though they are small and all in passing; I try hard to make things right. Even if I am only a stepping stone.

I am full of energy. If I put it all in a bucket; all I want to do is pour it over someone and tell them how much I like them. Maybe for once I'll stop over thinking and worrying. Maybe one day I'll have that faith come back.

I wish I could so easily forget the past like you do. Maybe then I wouldn't try to hold onto fragments of old memories and happiness. Who am I kidding though right? You found someone else to keep you company. Moving from old to new. I plundered and made mistakes and said stupid things. Indirectly pushing you away. I constantly blamed myself for it. There was always apart of me that wanted to pour my affection for you but I couldn't. Not with the way things were. Before I knew it; that chance disappeared and things were never the same since then.My biggest and worst ever fear that could happen between I and someone I truly and deeply cared for happened. That fear of which is a person turning around and walking the other direction without saying a word. Gone in a puff of smoke. Nothing but tattered cloth remaining.

One day, many years later I decided to stop trying. To admit to myself that there was no possibility of our friendship ever coming back together. That and my useless attempts probably just piss you off to no ends. Like everything I did and said after a certain point. All it was ever met with was anger and annoyance.
I stopped trying to care all together. I no longer said happy birthday to you. I stopped sending you merry christmas and happy new year text messages.

I wish I could just switch the feelings off and forget the reasons why I cherished our time and friendship together so much. All the pain and suffering. All the happy and silly times. Always knowing the affection was not mutual. Only our group of friends that knew about us. Knew how much it affected me. No one asked why we stopped hanging out. No one asked how you and I were doing.

I bet all you remember is of being mad at me. About all the times I annoyed you. I sometimes wonder if you remember any of the happy and funny moments. The times I tried to cheer you up when you were down or upset. All those silly and embarrassing moments. I felt happy and carefree around you.


I worry of pushing people away because I worry of being seen as needy or attention hogging.
I have been yelled by you so many times for little things that even to this day I still have a hard time shaking off those feelings. Deep down I worry about it happening. I worry about making someone I care about upset . I worry about them just turning around and disappearing. I sometimes shut myself away so I don't feel jealousy. To let myself collect my thoughts.

I finished watching the second season of Spice and Wolf II...after a long time of putting that show away. It reminded me of you too much that I couldn't keep watching it. I sometimes wonder what it'd be like if I bumped into you on the streets, at a store or at an event. I keep thinking you'd try to find was to push my buttons.

It is that kind of evening. As has this whole week. Stuck thinking about the past when my feelings in the current collide with insecurities. I worry about driving others away because I am frequently busy and not always being there.

Thoughts and reflections

Most of my stuff that I don't post here goes to http://quantum-creativity.blogspot.ca/

Since Xanga 2.0 is using WordPress which requires a membership. I haven't migrated over. Just yet.

Where did time go?

My first post of the year is in Jan and it is May already.
I guess I am pretty behind in posts eh?